Mrs JB in Her own words
I've never explicitly punished my husband. But when I apply restrictions on him it is always in the context of: "this is for your own good", or "remember what happened last time", or "because it's easier for me". There many methods I use to keep my man dependent on me and under my control, without him aware of how I'm changing his personality.
Here is The Secret about husbands who are easy to control. These men don't want responsibility. They happily give up control if their wife takes on the responsibilities. Here's an example of how I took responsibility for our finances.
I started writing checks to pay the bills as soon as they arrived. I filled out the tax forms, I arranged for car and house insurance, I dealt with our medical providers and handled all the paperwork.
hubby didn't want this responsibility. Soon all the money matters were invisible to him and he believed anything I told him. With no cash going into his accounts, they soon ran dry. I said to hubby "Honey, let me close your accounts and give you a credit card for your spending. This will be a lot less work for me". I did this and opened a credit card in my name but instead of giving hubby his own credit card I gave him a debit card loaded with $500.
hubby spent all of it in two months. "Honey", I said , "your spending is reckless so here's what I've done. Every month the bank will automatically transfer $200 to your card to spend as you wish. It will be a lot easier for me to pay the bills when I know how much cash we'll have at the end of the month." hubby didn't argue at all, knowing I would keep our finances safe.
By the way the first time hubby swore at me, I cut his allowance for a month. And when I reinstated it, it was for only $100 a month, "until you learn to always treat me with respect".
Bedtime Routine
This is how I started my husband's bedtime routine.
He used to stay up late watching tv, but when I started going to bed at ten I told him I couldn't sleep while he was still up. “So, please turn off the tv and go to bed when I do at ten.” After he got used to this routine I would often stay up later and when challenged, I told him that I enjoyed my alone-time after he was in bed. To prevent bedtime hassles I started telling him to wash up and get ready for bed (pajamas) a half hour before his bedtime. And I did use the word 'bedtime'. He then could come back and watch tv for the rest of his half hour.
The next big change came when I invited my girl friends over for drinks, chips and dip. Since we would want an evening of uninhibited girl talk he would not be welcome around us, so that night his bedtime was to be at eight o'clock. I told him if he tried to stay up later that I would send him to bed in front of my friends. That was enough for him to put himself to bed on time.
There were a few occasions when he argued and even swore at me. I always became very upset and told him that I would not tolerate that level And he must go to bed immediately!, because 'I' needed a time-out for the sake of our marriage. When he argues or fights with me before five o'clock I just send him to his room but anytime after five I'll send him to bed. He understands that he's hurt my feelings and the best thing he can do is to do what I say and allow me time to calm down and forgive him.
On nights when I do have to send him to bed early I always go into his room, sit on the side of his bed, lean over and give him a warm hug and kiss and praise him for being so considerate about my needs and that I still love him very much.
You may think that it would be hard to get a man to accept a bedtime routine but I always acted very warmly and asked him to show he loved me by giving me a little alone-time when I need it so we would stay happy together.
A tip for other wives. Never be arbitrary. There should always be a good reason based on your need or happiness for any restrictions you place on your husband. It's ok to react in hot anger or in cold sternness to teach him better behavior. He must understand that everything you ask is because you love him and want to stay married for a long time.
Restricting sex as a punishment is a terrible idea. Frustrating him sexually causes resentment, unhappiness, and the wondering off into a world of many substitutes. The goal here is to maximize good sex for him and me and to keep him happy at home and loving and adoring me.
When we were engaged I made this promise to him. “Honey here’s the deal, whenever you get the urge and want to make love with me, just ask, I will never say no, I promise. If you can do it three times a day, I will welcome that. At two o’clock in the morning, or whenever, that’ll be ok too." Rewards are more powerful than punishments and I want to be the one and only woman that gives out that reward.
Then I said, “In exchange there is something I want from you. I need my private space and that will be my bedroom. I can’t sleep when someone is the bed with me. I will set up the guest room for you and we will have separate bedrooms. When we make love it will always be on your bed, never on my bed. You will have to agree that my bedroom is to be strictly off limits to you. If you ever violate my private space I won’t punish you, I will divorce you. So honey, please agree to this arrangement. It’s so important to me. Maybe someday we can make a change.”Later he found I did put one restriction on our sex, I must always be on top. “This way is better for me." "I can make it more pleasurable for you." "I get cramps in my back when you’re on top." "I can’t breathe with you on me.” I never ran out of excuses and after he got used to this position I didn’t need to make any more excuses.
Restrictions on Clothing
I use clothing to reinforce the perception that I am the authority in our home. Since I now buy his clothes, I have been able over a period of three months, to replace his clothes with my selections. His wardrobe now consists of gray cotton shirts, gray cotton elastic band slacks, two gray cotton jump suits and one patterned shirt and one pair of Kmart dress slacks. Basically I dress him like a janitor. I put him in jumpsuits for working in the yard, gray shirt and slacks when he’s inside the house and the Kmart ensemble on special occasions when we go visiting. I have removed all leather from ‘his’ collection, including belt, shoes, wallet, etc., and anything else that conveys a sense of strength and replaced them with soft cotton elastic accessories.
I always dress in higher status clothing, especially when I’m in the role of administrator correcting his behavior or when I’m adding extra chores or when I’m making some change that secretly is a punishment. For maximum effect I do this when I come home from work. My hair is up, my makeup is perfect, and I’m dressed very professionally, he’s in a sweaty jumpsuit or in his janitor clothes. I make sure he’s too intimidated by me to resist.
This kind of clothing definitely shapes his self-image , but interestingly I’m automatically seeing him as servile and menial to me. I can see that the same effect is working on him.
When I do use my authority, I think it’s necessary to give directions in a gentle loving tone, never angrily of forcefully. Never ever “you must do this”. Always there should be a good reason that he can’t reject. And later “Thank you, you’re sooo good” with plenty of touching and affection. And as a reward I sometimes let him wear his good clothes and go with me to a restaurant as a treat.
A tip to other wives: Make changes very very gradually, have a logical justification for any policy you are suggesting (enforcing), and of course be very affectionate when directing him. A friend suggests assigning chores while having sex, at the moment when he can’t possible object. I haven’t needed to do that, he’s already completely compliant. Clothing is a very powerful shaper of behavior.
Car Restrictions
Back when hubby was working, we had two cars. I decided to become the default driver, and my car would be for me only and his car would become our shared car. The first time I insisted on driving him was a night out with friends at a restaurant. hubby had a couple of drinks, actually he was safe to drive but I insisted that I drive us home.
That became a routine when we went out. One night I said “I’ll drive us out there and when we return I won’t have to hassle you for the keys.” When that became a routine I started leaving the car keys in my purse so he had to ask me for them when he needed his car. After that I would always get to the car first so I could drive wherever we went.
When hubby stopped working I sold the family car and removed him from our insurance. I never allowed him to drive my car. He was always the passenger. When he wanted to go someplace I would drive him … when I wasn’t too busy. When any of my girl friends were in the car, hubby felt more comfortable in the backseat.
I didn’t have to say anything to him, but hubby instinctively knows that making me angry would make it hard to get me to drive him someplace. You may call this a punishment but I don’t think that way. I drive him or not, just depending on my mood. I never say “you’re grounded for a week” but I might be upset for a couple of days. I don’t think about it at all, whatever happens just follows automatically from my moods. In this way hubby is tightly coupled to my emotions and I enjoy this intimacy like nothing I've felt before.
Here is The Secret about husbands who are easy to control. These men don't want responsibility. They happily give up control if their wife takes on the responsibilities. Here's an example of how I took responsibility for our finances.
I started writing checks to pay the bills as soon as they arrived. I filled out the tax forms, I arranged for car and house insurance, I dealt with our medical providers and handled all the paperwork.
hubby didn't want this responsibility. Soon all the money matters were invisible to him and he believed anything I told him. With no cash going into his accounts, they soon ran dry. I said to hubby "Honey, let me close your accounts and give you a credit card for your spending. This will be a lot less work for me". I did this and opened a credit card in my name but instead of giving hubby his own credit card I gave him a debit card loaded with $500.
hubby spent all of it in two months. "Honey", I said , "your spending is reckless so here's what I've done. Every month the bank will automatically transfer $200 to your card to spend as you wish. It will be a lot easier for me to pay the bills when I know how much cash we'll have at the end of the month." hubby didn't argue at all, knowing I would keep our finances safe.
By the way the first time hubby swore at me, I cut his allowance for a month. And when I reinstated it, it was for only $100 a month, "until you learn to always treat me with respect".
Bedtime Routine
This is how I started my husband's bedtime routine.
He used to stay up late watching tv, but when I started going to bed at ten I told him I couldn't sleep while he was still up. “So, please turn off the tv and go to bed when I do at ten.” After he got used to this routine I would often stay up later and when challenged, I told him that I enjoyed my alone-time after he was in bed. To prevent bedtime hassles I started telling him to wash up and get ready for bed (pajamas) a half hour before his bedtime. And I did use the word 'bedtime'. He then could come back and watch tv for the rest of his half hour.
The next big change came when I invited my girl friends over for drinks, chips and dip. Since we would want an evening of uninhibited girl talk he would not be welcome around us, so that night his bedtime was to be at eight o'clock. I told him if he tried to stay up later that I would send him to bed in front of my friends. That was enough for him to put himself to bed on time.
There were a few occasions when he argued and even swore at me. I always became very upset and told him that I would not tolerate that level And he must go to bed immediately!, because 'I' needed a time-out for the sake of our marriage. When he argues or fights with me before five o'clock I just send him to his room but anytime after five I'll send him to bed. He understands that he's hurt my feelings and the best thing he can do is to do what I say and allow me time to calm down and forgive him.
On nights when I do have to send him to bed early I always go into his room, sit on the side of his bed, lean over and give him a warm hug and kiss and praise him for being so considerate about my needs and that I still love him very much.
You may think that it would be hard to get a man to accept a bedtime routine but I always acted very warmly and asked him to show he loved me by giving me a little alone-time when I need it so we would stay happy together.
A tip for other wives. Never be arbitrary. There should always be a good reason based on your need or happiness for any restrictions you place on your husband. It's ok to react in hot anger or in cold sternness to teach him better behavior. He must understand that everything you ask is because you love him and want to stay married for a long time.
Restricting sex as a punishment is a terrible idea. Frustrating him sexually causes resentment, unhappiness, and the wondering off into a world of many substitutes. The goal here is to maximize good sex for him and me and to keep him happy at home and loving and adoring me.
When we were engaged I made this promise to him. “Honey here’s the deal, whenever you get the urge and want to make love with me, just ask, I will never say no, I promise. If you can do it three times a day, I will welcome that. At two o’clock in the morning, or whenever, that’ll be ok too." Rewards are more powerful than punishments and I want to be the one and only woman that gives out that reward.
Then I said, “In exchange there is something I want from you. I need my private space and that will be my bedroom. I can’t sleep when someone is the bed with me. I will set up the guest room for you and we will have separate bedrooms. When we make love it will always be on your bed, never on my bed. You will have to agree that my bedroom is to be strictly off limits to you. If you ever violate my private space I won’t punish you, I will divorce you. So honey, please agree to this arrangement. It’s so important to me. Maybe someday we can make a change.”Later he found I did put one restriction on our sex, I must always be on top. “This way is better for me." "I can make it more pleasurable for you." "I get cramps in my back when you’re on top." "I can’t breathe with you on me.” I never ran out of excuses and after he got used to this position I didn’t need to make any more excuses.
Restrictions on Clothing
I use clothing to reinforce the perception that I am the authority in our home. Since I now buy his clothes, I have been able over a period of three months, to replace his clothes with my selections. His wardrobe now consists of gray cotton shirts, gray cotton elastic band slacks, two gray cotton jump suits and one patterned shirt and one pair of Kmart dress slacks. Basically I dress him like a janitor. I put him in jumpsuits for working in the yard, gray shirt and slacks when he’s inside the house and the Kmart ensemble on special occasions when we go visiting. I have removed all leather from ‘his’ collection, including belt, shoes, wallet, etc., and anything else that conveys a sense of strength and replaced them with soft cotton elastic accessories.
I always dress in higher status clothing, especially when I’m in the role of administrator correcting his behavior or when I’m adding extra chores or when I’m making some change that secretly is a punishment. For maximum effect I do this when I come home from work. My hair is up, my makeup is perfect, and I’m dressed very professionally, he’s in a sweaty jumpsuit or in his janitor clothes. I make sure he’s too intimidated by me to resist.
This kind of clothing definitely shapes his self-image , but interestingly I’m automatically seeing him as servile and menial to me. I can see that the same effect is working on him.
When I do use my authority, I think it’s necessary to give directions in a gentle loving tone, never angrily of forcefully. Never ever “you must do this”. Always there should be a good reason that he can’t reject. And later “Thank you, you’re sooo good” with plenty of touching and affection. And as a reward I sometimes let him wear his good clothes and go with me to a restaurant as a treat.
A tip to other wives: Make changes very very gradually, have a logical justification for any policy you are suggesting (enforcing), and of course be very affectionate when directing him. A friend suggests assigning chores while having sex, at the moment when he can’t possible object. I haven’t needed to do that, he’s already completely compliant. Clothing is a very powerful shaper of behavior.
Car Restrictions
Back when hubby was working, we had two cars. I decided to become the default driver, and my car would be for me only and his car would become our shared car. The first time I insisted on driving him was a night out with friends at a restaurant. hubby had a couple of drinks, actually he was safe to drive but I insisted that I drive us home.
That became a routine when we went out. One night I said “I’ll drive us out there and when we return I won’t have to hassle you for the keys.” When that became a routine I started leaving the car keys in my purse so he had to ask me for them when he needed his car. After that I would always get to the car first so I could drive wherever we went.
When hubby stopped working I sold the family car and removed him from our insurance. I never allowed him to drive my car. He was always the passenger. When he wanted to go someplace I would drive him … when I wasn’t too busy. When any of my girl friends were in the car, hubby felt more comfortable in the backseat.
I didn’t have to say anything to him, but hubby instinctively knows that making me angry would make it hard to get me to drive him someplace. You may call this a punishment but I don’t think that way. I drive him or not, just depending on my mood. I never say “you’re grounded for a week” but I might be upset for a couple of days. I don’t think about it at all, whatever happens just follows automatically from my moods. In this way hubby is tightly coupled to my emotions and I enjoy this intimacy like nothing I've felt before.